he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
