I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I think I won the penis lottery.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
