i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Randomize
