No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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