You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
