New low: just hacked my moms facebook
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
