I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
