I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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