I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
