just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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