i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Please, let me fuck your mom
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
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