High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
