saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
