so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
