You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
