I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Randomize
