i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
