I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
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He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
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It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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