My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
