My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
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just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
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My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
my liver is dry heaving
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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