The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
