OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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