the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
