The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
