so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
