I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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