I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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