I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
