So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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