Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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