Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
