I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
