Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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