I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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