i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
