No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
