Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
