even my farts smell like vagina
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
