I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
