So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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