Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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