I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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