So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
