he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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