My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
