just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Randomize
