people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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