you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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