I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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