my phone needs a breathalizer
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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