Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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