ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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