remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Sober January is a disaster.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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