If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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